Cybernetic Ghost of Chanukkah Past from the Future

[fog machine]

THIS IS THE CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHANUKKAH PAST FROM THE FUTURE AND I HAVE COME FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE TO DELIVER AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RELEASE OF A CERTAIN HOLIDAY ALBUM, NOR WAS IT SPONSORED BY TURNER BROADCASTING.

WHERE WAS I? OH YES…I WOULD HAVE COME SOONER, BUT MY PROGRESS WAS DELAYED BY THE CHICKENS. WHY ARE THEY IMPORTANT? AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE CHANUKKAHNOMICON…

[fog machine]

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO IN THE DISTANT FUTURE, THERE RAGED A BATTLE OF MAN VS. MACHINE VS. CHICKEN. THE MIDDLE EAST WAS ONCE AGAIN FIGHTING OVER OIL…ONE DAY’S WORTH SPREAD OUT OVER EIGHT DAYS, TO BE SPECIFIC. ONLY ONE MAN COULD SAVE THE OIL FROM THE CHICKENS: MYRON BRUCE LEE AND HIS MIGHTY CHANUKKICK! WHICH IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM A HANNUKICK IN EVERY WAY. BUT ALAS, THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH TO END THE WAR.

DREIDEL, DREIDEL, DREIDEL, I MADE YOU OUT OF CLAY. BUT THE BATTLEDREIDELS WERE MADE OF DEATH! NOT UNLIKE THE DEATH SUFFERED BY RESISTANCE LEADER CHRISTIAN BALE AFTER BEING BETRAYED AND MURDERED BY HIS ROBO…HEY, IS THAT MANISCHEWITZ?

[chugs]

THAT STUFF GOES THROUGH ME LIKE CRAP THROUGH A GOOSE…AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT GEESE. OR DUCKS, FOR THAT MATTER…

SEE WHAT I MEAN? THAT WAS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. NOR WAS IT SAFE FOR ANYONE DURING THE MACHINE WARS. TO HIDE THE DISTRIBUTION OF LASER-GUIDED SOCKS FROM THE CHICKENS, THEY HAD TO BE MIXED IN WITH OTHER GIFTS AND SPREAD OUT OVER THE COURSE OF SEVERAL NIGHTS. THESE VAST WEAPONS “SOCKPILES” WERE THEN USED IN THE GREAT ROBOT BATTLE OF 198X, WHICH YOU ARE DESTINED TO WITNESS.

…OH, AND PAIN. THE BATTLEDREIDELS WERE ALSO MADE OF PAIN.