Strange Trip: Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th was released on May 9th, 1980 and with that, our boy Jason turned thirty this year. Three decades of Jason and a lot can be said about him, his mother and the whole franchise.

But really, I’m not the one to say it. Truth be told, I haven’t seen every single movie. Butt his is the era of the Internet, where it takes an afternoon on Wikipedia or X-Entertainment and you can know all the important details about any major franchise of the last two decades.

But, I’ll admit that is a bad excuse. If I was Catholic, I see it as admitting not knowing who the hell that Ratzinger fuck is, just feigning knowledge as “Oh yeah, the guy in the hat, right? Sure thing.”

And this is the 30th Anniversary (the Pearl anniversary) and I feel that I owe it to the Voorhees clan to actually sit down and watch all these goddamn movies. For Jason, THE Jason.

Welcome to this Trip Report. A Strange Trip. A undead (not live) blog of our fond Summers away at Camp Crystal Lake, Manhattan, Hell and beyond. 2010 eyes here, and admittedly, without an extensive knowledge going into this. If this is a train wreck, then I promise as many casualties as possible. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a horror fiend so you like a little gore. Let’s get bloody and down to business, shall we?

FRIDAY THE 13TH

ORIGINAL RELEASE: MAY 09, 1980

00:00:00 – Start.

00:00:02 – And here we go. Warner Brothers Pictures/AOL Time Warner. Already, we’re starting in on the scary shit.

00:00:17 – “A Sean S. Cunningham Film.” Wonder whatever happened to that guy?

00:00:23 – Moonlight over Vermont. Affected everybody.

00:00:43 – ‘Camp Crystal Lake, 1958.’ Sounds like a start to a dirty lyrmick. ‘Once at Camp Crystal Lake, back then in 1958…’

00:01:05 – A group of kids sing campfire songs and already, I can see why they all deserve to die.

00:01:10 – And there it is, folks. The first ‘Kiii-kiii..maa-maa…”

00:01:13 – Philip Glass would make a career out of those three seconds.

00:01:50 – As the first person POV stalks the sleeping campers, a sight of a Ever-Ready Casting Set is seen in the background. A subtle commentary on the disposable casting practicies of horror movies or some kind of ambiance to give the impression that these would-be-corpses are model nerds? You decide.

00:02:11 – Bible songs, no less. They’re single Bible Campfire songs.

00:02:17 – Blonde dude I’ll call Ted (ed. Character name Barry) decides to eyefuck the guitar player. And his fate is sealed. Should have listened to the songs, Ted. Jesus will save you.

00:02:24 – Guitar girl Shannon (ed. Character name Claudette –wait, Claudette? Really?) mouths something I can’t catch. Can only imagine she wants to go, but go WHERE?

00:02:46 – “Somebody will see,” protests Shannon. (ed. Claudette, but who cares? She’s dead in two minutes – spoiler alert!) You’re right. Jesus will. Jesus sees all.

00:03:05 – Shannon’s idea of protection is throwing a rug down on the ground before she fucks.

00:03:27 – Yellow Polos. Navy Blue canvas shorts. White belts. These kids will die for their fashion crimes, along with their sins.

00:04:13 – About seven seconds of lingering gives of  ‘creepy voyeur’ instead of a ‘calculating predator’ vibe. Five seconds tops, kids. Anymore and you’re playing with yourself.

00:04:27 – And Ted is dead. DEAD TEDS. The first victim in a long line.  (ed. If ever you need to answer a trivia game, the first victim was named Barry. Ignore Strange Jason.)

00:04:41 – Maybe it’s the thirty years since this movie but damned if I wouldn’t think anyone would be more ingenious than Shannon here in evading a killer. Tossing cardboard boxes? C’mon, girl.

00:04:55FREEZE FRAME

00:05:01 – Hey Movie? If your bills are due on Monday the 16th, when’s the last day you should you put the check in the mail? Thank you, Movie.

00:05:06 – Movie! You’re going to have to pay for that window.

00:05:32 – Tom Savini! Mad respect to you, guy. Did you know he runs a special effects/make-up school?

00:05:16 – Harry Manfredini, also known as John Philip Sousa’s drunk and rebellious cousin, scores the opening credits with music to make any High School Band scream in terror.

00:05:57 – Written by Victor Miller.

00:06:05 – Sean Cunningham, not to be confused with Chris Cunningham (though the latter is just as responsible for scaring the hell out of generations. Madonna’s ‘Frozen?’ Gave me nightmares for weeks.)

00:06:16 – ‘Friday June 13th – The Present’ Not MY Present.

00:06:30 – 6/13/80 was indeed a Friday the 13th. How many 6/13s have been on Fridays since then?

00:06:55 – Backpack girl goes to pet a dog. Thrilling.

00:07:30 – Big Dave on the radio tells us it’s ‘Black Cat Day’ in Crystal Lake. I’ve never heard of Fri.13th referred to that. Have you, bud?

00:07:39 – Strange, but I think I used to live in this town.

00:07:43 – Nah, the cro-magnum sweeping the floor of OUR diner had red hair. Must be the town next over.

00:07:57 – ‘Camp Blood? They’re opening that place again?’ “CAMP! BLOOD!

00:08:23 – Two things I’ve seen in this movie that they don’t make anymore – payphones and guys named Enos.

00:08:33 – RALPH! My favorite character in the movie so far.

00:08:42 – ‘It’s got a death curse!’ If only they listened, Ralph. If only they listened.

00:08:44 – And we see that Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey. Huh. I never knew. Anyone ever tried calling the number (347-1063) on Enis’s truck? It’s located in Stanhope.

00:09:00 – He rocks a vest, an old hat and rides a fixed gear bike. Ralph from Friday the 13th was the original Williamsburgh Hipster.

00:09:10 – So, New Jersey gave us The Misfits, Jason Voorhees and The Toxic Avenger. Way to go, Garden State!

00:09:35 – I can tell Enos is trying to find a way to bring the ‘ass, gas or grass’ conversation up in a way that results in ‘ass.’

00:09:59 – Ah, the innocence of thirty years ago. Today, Camp Crystal Lake wouldn’t open due to lawsuits, protests and half a billion (664,000) Google hits.

00:10:00 – HOLY SHIT there’s an actual CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE it’s in Ganesville, Florida. Do they sell t-shirts? Shit. Someone want to send us some?

00:10:31 – Thirty years ago, a boy drowning followed by two kids dying would close a place down. Today? It’s a considered a good summer working at Disneyworld.

00:11:02 – Remind me, was “You’re an American Original” some advertising slogan back then because Annie saying that to Enos is pretty damn odd.

00:11:39 – After the solemn exchange of goods for services, Enos lets off Annie in front of Moravian Cemetery, Hope, NJ (so Camp Crystal Lake is in Hope, NJ?)

00:11:40 – Wait, there’s a place called Hope, NJ?!?

00:11:42 – Does this mean Jason is the Man from Hope? SO he voted for Clinton? And then for Obama?

00:12:00 – For a moment, I thought Enos had put on some banjo music but it seems every fucker in this movie drives a red truck.

00:12:10 – 1) Fuck, is that Kevin Bacon? 2) Fuck, that IS Kevin Bacon.

00:12:20 – The banjo music is amplified to cover up the awkward sounds of Kevin Bacon getting a handjob. That should be a new indie band name – The Kevin Bacon Handjob.

00:13:07 – Our first shot of Steve – Cutoff jeans. Hiking boots. Red bandanna around his neck. Glasses. Bare chested. A mustache to make Johnny Holmes say ‘Too much.’ Movie, do you want me to think Steve’s gay?

00:13:34 – Alice arrives with broom and bucket. What is good for? Two tears.

00:13:50 – Alice is kind of butch. But cute.

00:14:10 – Steve is still without a shirt. The man must have an agenda.

00:14:35 – Things Steve likes: flipping through a private sketchbook. Things Steve hates: polos.

00:14:45 – “You draw very well,” says Steve, the look of a sociopath on his face.

00:15:03 – “Do I really look like that?” “You did last night,” she said. LIES. THAT PICTURE HAS STEVE WEARING A SHIRT.

00:15:18 – “You’re very talented.” No reaction. “You’re very pretty.” Again, nothing. A sad day in Mudville. Mighty Steve has struck out.

00:15:26 – “Is there any reason?” “It’s just a problem I have. It’s nothing personal.” Did Alice just say she was gay? Am I not thinking it?

00:15:36 – “…go back to California to straighten something out.” Straight? California? SCANDAL!

00:15:55 – “I’ll put you on the bus myself.” And thus, you doomed her, Steve. She could be resolving her wild youth in San Fransisco or someplace on Venice but instead, she’s learning how NOT to die in New Jersey.

00:16:30 – Alice goes romping through the woods to find Bill in white painter pants and red suspenders. Methinks Bill’s a Nazi, but he doesn’t need to worry. There’s only white folk in this movie.

00:16:38 – “I don’t know if I’m gonna last all week.” If only you knew, Alice.

00:16:55 – Why is Steve sad? is it because HOLY SHIT HE’S WEARING A SHIRT. Awwww. Poor Steve.

00:17:02 – Get Annie in the Kitchen! And get her shoes off! And somebody, knock her up! Neddy! Quit dry humping that tree!

00:17:17 – “He neglected to mention that downtown, they call this place ‘Camp Blood.'” CAMP! BLOOD!

00:17:50 – Shot archery on one of those targerts (one like it) during my summer camp years. Never got killed off by someone wearing a mask. Did bust open a glow-stick and had a neon hand for about fifteen minutes.

00:17:52 – Nice GI Joe Laser fire sound.

00:18:04 – This is a perfect time for a good F-bomb but I guess you can’t say “Fuck,” can you, Movie?

00:18:10 – Is that a Bogart impression? No wonder this fuck can’t get laid.

00:18:30 – Annie’s gone hitchhiking. Always a good idea.

00:19:40 – Annie, better get your gun.

00:20:00 – Nice roll, Annie. Run!

00:20:25 – We go a bit Evil Dead-ish here, which is kind of wrong to say; more like Evil Dead went F13th but who is known more for the POV-shot in the woods?

00:21:25 – After making as far as she can with a bum leg and a poor business decision, our girl Annie gets ripped a new breathing whole. Pretty gross, which is why we give kudos to Tom Savini. Grossing people out thirty years later.

00:21:30 – FADE TO BLACK WHITE!

00:21:46 – Hard to believe it’s taken us twenty minutes to get to some skin in this movie (outside of Steve and Bill.)

00:21:58 – And it’s over. And Kevin Bacon had the most revealing outfit on.

00:22:17 – Killer has a ring on, or Steve likes to jerk off while wearing his Class Ring. Wouldn’t be surprised.

00:23:03 – FUCK. KEVIN BACON BONER. Christ. I need the bleach now. For my eyes and to DRINK.

00:23:16 – Bacon Belly Flop. You can hear his skin thud against the water. Fucking karma for the Kevin Bacon Boner (another Indie band name.)

00:24:10 – In what everyone could see coming, Ned’s drowning was a trap to get some tongue. These days, he could just use craigslist and spend a hundred bucks. Oh, the Internet. God bless you.

00:24:45 – Alice shocked by a snake while she wears her bathrobe. Not as dirty as it sounds.

00:24:50 – Alice looks rather Ringwaldish.

00:25:55 – ‘The sssssuprising first victim of a machete in the Friday the 13th franchise.” What is a black snake?”

00:26:00 – I hate snakes and I hate PETA but I’d be sad to find out they really killed a snake for this stupid scene.

00:26:30 – We get a cop on a bike and a dick in a headdress. And our first swear? “Oh shit?”

00:27:30 – Everyone talking about Ralph. He’s Poochie of this movie.

00:28:41 – Alice in another outfit. Girl’s the Cher of this movie.

00:28:52 – RALPH! In the closet! Or pantry! He’s a messenger of god and PORKNBEANS.

00:29:55 – And that’s RALPH! (Applause)

00:30:51 – Bill in red suspenders and Ned in a #88 Jersey. Someone could easily write a thesis about how Jason represents the backlash against the predicted white yuppie hell of Regan’s America, though the movie came out six months before the election.

00:31:24 – “What had God wroth?” asks Marcie. Hey, Ralph is god’s messenger, lady.

00:32:18 – Neddy’s covets Marcie, and his death is quick thereafter.

00:34:14 – “And then, the rain turns to blood.” RAINING BLOOD, FROM A LACERATED SKY.

00:34:33 – Movie, your scene with the most sincere emotional material involves a dream where it’s raining blood. And I go and ruin it with a Slayer reference.

00:34:51 – We must remember that filmmaking is a process of happy accidents. A lot of the secondary film shots are often from luck. In this case, a real storm moving in. This is what I think about during your slower parts, Movie.

00:35:25 – Bacon and Marcie decide to contaminate samples under a half moon. If anything, this movie serves to show that Jeannine Taylor once had a really fine ass.

00:36:13 – Bacon grunts like his career, fizzling out too early and awkwardly hanging around for too long.

00:36:40 – Bill does his best Charro impersonation, not by playing guitar but by appearing on The Love Boat fifty thousand times. Cuchi-cuchi!

00:37:12 – The ugly head of product placement unveils itself unto the movie as Parker Brothers attempts to liven up an old chesnut through the introduction of ‘Strip’ Monopoly.

00:37:15 – Strip Monopoly. Where you lose your home and the shirt off your back.

00:37:32 – Marijuna and Strip Monopoly? A little game we call ‘Weed and Greed,’ son.

00:37:38 – Sexytime for all the couples in the audience. Bow-chicka-wahwwahw. I get to do my best Blake Schwarzenbach here.

00:38:15 – Not content to give us the Bacon Boner, we get the Bacon Backdoor. Half Moon. Damn you, Movie.

00:38:32 – Does it count as a threesome if one person is dead? I guess it depends on who you ask. Better luck next time, Neddy.

00:38:35 – “Hey baby. Want to screw under a corpse?” Not the worst pick-up line out there, sad to say.

00:40:00 – Thirty years ago, Budwiser bottles looked like Red Stripe. I would drink Bud over Red Stripe. Sorry, Hipsters and Jamacians.

00:41:00 – Movie’s starting to lag, right. Watching Kevin Bacon smoke a joint and suddenly BAM! Hand from under the bed and another throat slit. A lot of throats cut in this movie.

00:41:20 – Remember when YOMANK used to be a popular abbreviation? No? GTFO.

00:42:00 – Campground outhouses are horrible when it rains. Girl shouldn’t be in there without shoes on.

00:44:56 – AXE TO THE FOREHEAD. Isn’t that a Cannibal Corpse song? Gotta be. No? Well, have a shitty Cannibal Corpse knockoff.

00:45:17 – Back to Stripping, to confuse a generation with the reinforcement of sex after violence. And back to one of the most unattractive bras out there.

00:45:45 – “Well, we’re going to have to finish this game some other night – just when it was getting interesting.” Alluding to the fact that Alice was about to strip, Brenda outs herself as a bisexual. I notice I’m suspecting everyone of either homosexuality or racial hatred. I blame the evening news.

00:46:22 – Where’s Steve been, you ask? Drinking coffee in a Diner. Shirts must be Steve’s kryptonite or the equivalent of cutting off Samson’s hair. ‘If you shirt a Steve, his powers leave.’

00:47:30 – Made for just over half a million dollars because water is cheap. I take back what I wrote about ‘happy accidents.’

00:48:13 – Tomahawk Lake was thirteen miles down the road from Crystal Lake. Was there ever a movie made about that place, attempting to capitalize on the ‘neighbor to Jason’ idea?

00:48:21 – Not to be discouraged at her failed attempt to a bisexual threesome with Lesbian Alice and Bill the Nazi, Bisexual Brenda maintains proper hygeine by brushing her teeth in the place where her friend Marcie decided she needed to breathe through her forehead. Moral of the story, kids? Don’t brush your teeth. OR YOU WILL BE MURDERED.

00:50:09 – Thirty years ago, Jeeps were worthless in horror movies. Does that stand today? I can only imagine.

00:51:22 – All the women have the same bathrobe, it seems. And despite smoking pot and stripping over board games, Brenda sleeps in the most conservative nightgown this side of the Amish.

00:52:09 – “Help Me!” Shit, did we cross over into ‘The Fly?’ Fuck. Better lay off the drink, SJ. Movie’s starting to get into your head.

00:53:30 – Brenda, you’re a strange girl. You smoke weed, play sexy variants of Monopoly but yet go out into the rain in your Nancy Regean nightgown at the cries of ‘Help Me’ of a child in danger. And yet, we know you’re going to die. I think yours is the death I kind of feel sad about, Brenda. You got me, Movie. You got me to feel about one of these characters.

00:54:20FIRE LIGHT EM UP. And she’s dead.

00:55:00 – Oblivious, Alice strums away.

00:56:02 – “Bill? Can I come?” You’d never have to ask me, baby.

00:56:43 – Someone tucked the axe in for a nap. How cute.

00:57:07 – This is all vengeance for killing the snake, I tell you.

00:57:40 – “I really think we should call someone.” I wonder if they played up some ‘oh, no cell service’ in the remake? Despite the two major cellular services claiming they cover the entire country? Talk about a dead zone.

00:58:15 – Really good shot here, panning over to watch them find out that the phone is dead as the camera wanders over to find that the phone line is severed. I dig the filmography of this flick.

00:58:45 – The truck is dead. These occurances are explained in that ‘Behind the Mask’ movie that tried to start up a new monster. Unfortunately, the monster’s name was Leslie – and it was a dude. Jason, Michael, Freddy. Leslie? Nope.

00:59:31 – The titular line “It’s not bad enough to be Friday the 13th, we’ve got to have a full moon, too.” If it weren’t for that, Jason Voorhees would be the star of a bunch of ‘Camp Blood’ movies. Considering ‘Camp Blood’ is said more than Friday the 13th in this movie, that’s not far a leap.

01:01:20 – Steve, not realizing that his raincoat is a shirt that goes OVER HIS SHIRT, comes to see his double weakness too late. After fucking off for most of the movie, he shows up to bite it. I’m sure you’re shirtless in heaven, Steve. Chop those logs, son.

01:01:40 – DANGER DANGER – HIGH VOLTAGE.

01:02:05 – Fade to black. Movie over (just kidding.) The killer killed the generator. NO ONE IS SAFE.

01:03:38 – Alice sleeps while Bill decides to fix the generator.

01:04:30 – A very thrilling ‘dipstick’ scene (both Bill and the tool he uses to check the gas level.)

01:06:05 – Alice gets some instant coffee because even she is falling asleep during this movie. Must be my television-rattled, artificial-flavor polluted mind that I keep losing focus. Granted, this was thirty years ago. Different attitudes of film making. Fuck, this came out before MTV.

01:08:05 – Nice. Two minutes of yawning gets shocked the hell away by Bill’s terrible Steve Martin ‘arrow through the head’ impression. Try again, Bill.

01:08:13 – AND THEN THERE WAS ONE.

01:08:20 – Feesibly, a horror themed reality television show, crossing Survivor with this movie, could work. Each week, one cast member gets ‘killed off’ instead of eliminated. It wouldn’t have the politics of Survivor but would be just as gruesome.

01:08:50 – At first, I think Alice is going to hang herself. Instead, she’s doing it to lock the door, tying the rope to the ceiling to the door’s handle.

01:10:07 – My patience is fine but this scene is going on TOO LONG.

01:11:08 – Alice hears something. It’s a Loon. THE LOONS!

01:11:10 – This movie is making me hungry for Doritos. That’s not a snarky comment. I’m just hungry for some Doritos.

01:11:16 – Brenda (dead) crashes the party. She’s a corpse to breathe. I think that’s called ‘corpsing’ and usually gets “Macho Man” Randy Savage to slap you.

01:12:11 – A JEEP. A LIGHT. A HOPE! Violins are going fucking CRAZY.

01:12:29 – Mrs. Voorhees. That name sounds familiar.

01:12:30 – Oh, that sweater, Mama Voorhees. How many sheep died for its sins?

01:13:42 – This is Betsy Palmer’s BIG MOMENT. She’s ACTING! I know she does the Horror Convention circuit. I wonder how many fans can recite this scene by heart?

01:14:02 – “They were making love when that young boy drowned.” Well, when you put it that way, it’s doesn’t sound so bad.

01:14:45 – FLASHBACK. Of course. We’ve had white outs, fade to black and now a flashback.

01:15:00 – Oh, snap. June 13th is Jason Voorhees’s birthday? Shit. Why isn’t that a national holiday?

01:15:45 – And it’s the ultimate showdown, Alice v. Mama V. Alice gets the upper hand first but with the fight used up, her flee instincts kick in.

01:16:00 – Hey Annie. Looking good. I had forgotten about you, as if your part was completely insignificant.

01:16:10 – Steve’s hanging around. Though I don’t get it why she’d throw him up there. Was she planning on eating him later? Mama V said she was a cook.

01:16:40 – Okay, Movie. That was creepy. I give you that.

01:18:19 – In a scene calling back to the beginning, a trapped female fights back in a pathetic way. Only to end up getting – slapped? Where’s the knife, Mrs. V?

01:19:00 – Mama V is definitely the ambush predator. A direct confrontation doesn’t work for her.

01:19:30 – Some really good shots in this film. Did I say that before?

01:20:00 – Brenda still breathes and moves, despite being dead. She’s a trooper, that one.

01:21:00 – The Shining came out two weeks after Friday the 13th in 1980. Both movies have scenes with people hacking through doors. This has been your trivia of the day.

01:22:00 – Cast Iron Pan to the face. And Mama V goes down…

01:23:40 – …but she’s not out. And what follows is a unsexy catfight on the beach.

01:24:00 – Mama V gets a choke hold on and I feel like I’m watching a bad UFC clone. And she bites Alice’s wrist? Damn, Mama V. Fighting dirty. Not UFC but Bodogg, I guess.

01:24:30 – You know when shit’s getting real when it starts in on the slow-mo.

01:24:35 – She swings and it’s a line drive – it’s going, going and GONE! SHE-HAS-BEEN-DE-CAP-I-TAY-TED!

01:25:15 – The ‘Bruce Banner’ sad piano music kicks in and a shocked Alice returns to the safety of her canoe. Why? One doesn’t ask when you’ve witnessed a girl pull a Highlander to a demented Summer Camp Cook turned Psychotic Agent of Vengeance.

01:25:42 – A nice shot of Alice out on a calm lake. If you didn’t just spend eight-five minutes watching her friends die, one by one, you’d think this to be a serene moment of joy.

01:26:00 – I feel like we’re forgetting someone.

01:26:30 – Cops finally show up.

01:26:57 – And THERE IT IS. That fucking scene. I knew it was coming, I knew it and it freaked me the fuck out anyway.

01:27:17 – Awwww, cop out! IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Shoot some valium in her ass and let’s wrap it up.

01:28:45 – “Then he’s still there.” Sad piano music. And let’s cue the credits.

1:29:27 – BETSY PALMER as Mrs. Voorhees. Adrienne King as Alice (just don’t go ask her) Jeannine Taylor as Hot Ass Marcie. Robbi Morgan as “Should have gone into teaching” Annie and Kevin “How Many Degrees?” Bacon as Jack.

Wrap Up: Full Disclosure – I had seen this movie before. This isn’t my first time feeling guilty for not catching it about a year ago. So I had some ideas of what to expect but it was still full of surprises and details I had forgotten about (Ralph, Kevin Bacon.) Overall, good movie. Yeah, slow, dated and there wasn’t that much personality to anyone here. A bunch of goofball, horny kids get slaughtered out of revenge. Pretty much premise beach here. The effects were superb, the shots were great. It was a good looking movie. The acting was eh, B+ and the pacing was fine. It’s a good movie. It’s the first Ramones album horror and that’s the respect I give it.(ed. a bit of hyperbole. It’s a good movie, but nothing is as good as the first Ramones album.)

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