Dear Greg (Don’t Be A Dick)

Hi Greg.

How’s it going? You don’t know me. I think we might have a mutual friend. Maybe. I’m not sure. So take this disclaimer under the a miniscule chance that we somehow meet in the future. I don’t have any issue with you as a person, Greg. In fact, even after reading most of your writing, I get the idea I have only a sliver of knowledge about you. So, if ever we meet, don’t take it personally that  another guy ON THE INTERNET called you out for some bullshit you’ve written.

But Honestly? You’re never going to read this. Who the fuck am I? And like the EVIL DEAD movie (which inspired the write-up of yours that inspired this reply), this ultimately isn’t for you. This is for the tens of people who might read this by accident and hopefully, if I’m successful, gleam off some motivation to not go down that path of being self-absorbed shithead. 

Speaking of which – there’s a document that contains over three-thousand words I wrote over the span of a slow work-day in response to your recent EVIL DEAD write up over at TwitchFilm.com. A third(!) of that is dedicated to your first paragraph, a scant seventy-two words that exemplifies a fucked up sense of entitlement that you and older fans in any pop-culture community display.

“I feel so cheap and used. I feel like I’ve just been suckered out of my hard earned money once again by a second rate prostitute who doesn’t even provide full service with any type of happy ending. I feel like I just got swindled into a $200 private dance in the VIP area of an overpriced strip club only to discover that there really is no sex in the champagne room.”

Oh, Greg.

Why I didn’t have the courage to post a comment on the article? Because that’s what the website’s Publisher wanted – he appeared in the comments, stoking flames and what not. Shock value and shit like that. Maybe that’s why he encourages the character of GREG! to pen screeds that generate site hits. Advertising! Plus, a comment might come off as Concern Trolling – Greg, your mother and I are concerned about the objectification in that first paragraph – and that would be a waste of both of our times. Reading the rest of your work, you have a well-constructed persona you’re comfortable with, no matter how much it makes you come off as useless douchebag that’s totally in love with himself.

That’s a dig not at Greg the author but GREG! the character. My BS indicator reads a lot of the bullshit you’ve written for TwitchFilm is as authentic as Reality television editing. Got to get those comments!

So – all right. Jumping to my point or “what’s my fucking problem?” Your first seventy-two words are about not about sexism but more about entitlement and it seeps into the rest of your article. And by no means are you the only one who’s at fault. It’s actually indicative of a larger problem that affects more than just you and me, but in this case, let’s focus on the nerds, geeks, freaks and fucks in any popular culture ‘fandom’ and how they act like they’re entitled to shit, whether it’s to have a movie cater to their specific emotional demands or how fans expect certain behaviors.

Oh, there’s a lot of sexism in your writing, Greg. Don’t get me wrong. A lot of your TwitchFilm articles are rife with it, whenever you deal with women characters. But if we go by the language in that first paragraph of your EVIL DEAD write-up, it’s less about asking (imaginary?) cosplay models about their genitalia and more about how your heart was broken by being disappointed. See, Greg, your language in that paragraph indicates you think you’re entitled for services paid AND MORE. The subpar prostitute has done you wrong by doing a bad job; the amount you spent on the stripper somehow means that you are deserving of something extra.

Look, Greg – and all fans reading this – just because you pay for something (and that doesn’t mean monetary payment) doesn’t always entitle you to more than what you get. Sometimes, if the meal’s cold, you can send it back. But if it’s not as tasty as you expected?. Eat it, pay the bill, leave the tip and move on with your life. And sometimes, no matter how much you invest, you won’t get anything extra. Sometimes, Greg, there is “no sex in the champagne room.

I will point out that first paragraph isn’t necessarily sexist because you didn’t attribute sex or gender to either prostitute or stripper, so thank you for being a progressive in your metaphor, you jackass. You still objectify the hypothetical characters, putting yourself in a position of righteous indignation that you were somehow denied gratification, either within the confines of the agreement of when the other party refused to go beyond the terms set.

In plain talk, get the fuck over yourself.

This is why I avoid opening weekends and why I haven’t seen EVIL DEAD yet. OH SNAP yeah, I’m writing this without having seen the film! Oh my god – well, it’s not about the film, is it? Your article wasn’t about the film, Greg. It was about you. And that’s what this is about. It’s about the tide of entitled shits that has to subside after every opening so I can go to a movie and avoiding a theater flooded with nerds ready to pick apart everything they don’t like about the movie and the glut of people who think that their ticket price permits acting like that frat-boy you talked about wanting to punch you in the mouth, Greg

Sidebar—Greg, perhaps that DudeBro read your column and recognized your persona comes across as another HST worshiping arrogant fuck who thinks that celebrating the flaws of your character excuses you from the responsibility of improving/correcting them. Just saying. No T, No Shade squirrelfriend.

It sucks that you didn’t like this new movie, Greg, considering how much you put into the Evil Dead franchise throughout your life. But your entitled attitude comes off less like an astute critic and more like a jealous ex. Maybe your editor picked the title but when the article says you’re Falling Out Of Love With Sam Raimi, it’s more that Sam broke up with you twenty years ago. He’s been trying to break up with you for years. He’s been trying to date other people while you still pine over the better days.  Why did you think he did Xena, Cleopatra 2025 and M.A.N.T.I.S.? He’s gotten over the break-up. Why haven’t you?

Currently, the bulk of reviews list EVIL DEAD as a C+ effort, so when I go to see it, I can expect a lot of the problems highlighted by articles like yours, Greg. It does sound like a lot of the elements of the film geared towards fans of the original come off less as loving homages but more like pandering. In an attempt to sell a thirty-year old cult franchise to a new audience, the filmmakers attempted at not alienating the existing audience while also making something appealing to today’s new consumer base. And while they didn’t outright fail, with its opening weekend box-office making 26 million, not bad for an R-rated horror film, it sounds like it didn’t outright succeed.

So how do you avoid being an entitled shithead? I don’t have all the answers but if we go by your seventy-two words, Greg, we can come up with a short list. Don’t be broken-hearted when the artist’s work is disappointing, though you are allowed to be angry if the work is less about artistic expression and more about pandering while making a quick buck. However, don’t expect more than what the arrangement entails. If you go into a big-budgeted reimagining of a cult class, a movie directed by a novice and produced by people whose best work happened twenty years ago, KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING INTO.

And when you’re writing about your disappointment, don’t compare it to strippers, hookers, whores or any kind of situation where you’re in a position of power where sex is involved.

Fuck you. <3

Sincerely,
S. Jason

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