Tuesday uEtsy: Blood Bath

[Etsy.com’s tagline is “Buy, Sell, and Live Handmade.” Coincidentally, there’s a lot of spooky on Etsy, and each Tuesday, we highlight one of the sellers. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your tomb or get a gift for that special something in your afterlife, Etsy.com is a place for spooky econo.]

Bloodbath (http://Bloodbath.etsy.com)

‘Your Flesh is Dying For It!” boasts Bloodbath, and to be honest, we think they’re right. Word from Doc Killian down at Serene Pastures says that the Hernandez kid, what caught in a bad motorcycle accident, was seen clutching a bottle of BLOODBATH Morbid Moisture BODY LOTION in the autopsy photos, despite no internet access at the mortuary and Killian’s practice of sending the orderlies out with oak table legs on any solicitors, lawyers or postal workers. Seems that the Hernandez kid’s body was dying for a bottle of Morbid Moisture, literally and figuratively.

We don’t really encourage you to go off and be that extreme, unless you’ve master the ability of post-mortem purchases. Last time we checked, VISA tends to frown on corpses buying stuff. So while you’re alive, might as well take care of yourself in the best way possible. Why not try some of Bloodbath’s fine products? Take, for example, these Sugar Scrub Cubes. Stripping away the stank of a job well done is vital if you want to make friends, influence people or not be pelted with rocks when you show up at the front office to clock in the next day. It’s just an idea, because dang, if we don’t have plenty of rocks.

One might think that the Vegan Perfume offered here might look like a tin of snuff or a car of sardines, we’re thankfully glad that it isn’t either and would encourage any of you (snuff, chaw and sardine fans alike) to put down those tins and pick one one of these. In according to the phrase, ‘a little dab will do ya,’ we’d like to see more dabbing of Bloodbath products and less salted fish smelling like tobacco.

People die every day, throughout the year. It’s a fact we all know but it’s one that we here at GdL don’t like to admit, mainly because it means working in the winter. The ground’s pretty hard. Sure, bodies smell less atrocious due to the forgiving cold weather but it takes Freakshow Bernie’s backhoe to get a good six feet down into the ground. And he doesn’t let anyone else drive it, it being his pride and joy. That means waiting out in the cold for him and ‘Norma’ to do the heavy lifting. And that means – chapped lips. Thanks to Bloodbath, there’s some fashionable and flavorable relief waiting for us come the first freeze. Morgue-A-Rita- Margarita goodness, Gasberry Lemonade, Screamsicle and Candy Corn are some of the offered flavors that might save your lips or encourage you to eat them.

We’re fans of soap, here at the Local. So it’s great that Bloodbath also includes some coffin shaped products meant to keep you clean, whenever you’re finally forced (by pitchfork) into a shower. Take care of yourself, peoples. You have plenty of time to stink when you’re dead.

Wonderful products to be had by all, and we encourage you to go have some. Hit up Bloodbath at their Etsy store or their official blog. And come back here next week for another Tuesday uEtsy at Gravediggers Local 16.

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