Tuesday uEtsy: Zed’s Zombie Ranch

[Etsy.com’s tagline is “Buy, Sell, and Live Handmade.” Coincidentally, there’s a lot of spooky on Etsy, and each Tuesday, we highlight one of the sellers. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your tomb or get a gift for that special something in your afterlife, Etsy.com is a place for spooky econo.]

Zed’s Zombie Ranch (zedszombieranch.etsy.com)

Chances are, you own or will own your own house someday. Or you’ll come into possession, albeit temporary, of a yard. You think we here at the Local would encourage you to dig it up, bury something (preferably, something dead) and place some kind of marker, be it stone, tree or upturned rusted pickup, on top. Well, until 1922, that was pretty much standard Local policy. Wasn’t enforced, just highly encouraged. 

Thankfully for our property values, the official Charter was amended with new leadership and since then, it’s perfectly fine to decorate your yard with things other than stones and burnt out Fords. It makes sense that being practically in the landscaping business (y’know, just with dead bodies and all) we tend to take our yards and various patches of dirt with some serious consideration for looking good, or at least, not causing landlords and neighbors to call the city in complaints. While some of the more zealous of those out there might talk about seeds, watering schedules and fuel injected riding lawnmowers, we here at the local prefer to outfit our lawns with some nice art. 

This is why we want to give big thanks to Zed’s Zombie Ranch and the fine work produced by them. Well experienced metalsmiths and leatherworkers have produced some really fine pieces that will make your lawn stand out, in a good, non-violating city ordinances way. 

Take, for instance, this piece. Sasquatches, as you might not know, are highly ritualistic in their burial procedures and have been strong allies of the Local since near its inception. If we were to let Freakshow Bernie’s younger daughter Poinsettia write here, as she’s been begging, we might say “We <3 Bigfoot.” But, until she gets her shots and promises to stop covering the Union shovels with glitter, she’s not allowed a hundred yards near the Front Office. But Bigfoots? Bigfoots are all welcomed to drop by so we like this piece, which is highly functional as well as artistic. It says ‘POINSETTA, ARE YOU A BIGFOOT? NO? WELL LOOK AT THE SIGN. GO BACK HOME, GIRL.” 

We’re thinking of getting the ‘Go Away’ sign for the front door, because all of Zed’s Zombie Ranch produces signs both for mounting in your yard or mounted on your wall/door. Look at that piece of metal work. Fantastic. Who needs ‘beware of dog’ or ‘trespassers will be shot’ when you have something that says ‘the ancient nameless evils born of this old land will rise up to dance their play across your burning flesh if you ring my doorbell while I try to take a shower.’ 

Of course, Zed’s Zombie Ranch’s products aren’t all about telling you where and where not to go. Sometimes, you want people to gather together and party. What better way to invite them together with a skeleton knocking back a cold one? Goodness, we don’t know any better way. If you do, better tell Zed because until then, this skeleton is sitting as king of the hill.

The images you saw at the beginning of this week’s spotlight are featured on t-shirts, a new medium for the fine folk at Zed’s Zombie Ranch. Who doesn’t like a t-shirt? No, we’re seriously asking. Why does everyone think the questions we pose are rhetorical? Maybe we just want some answers, for once. 

So you now have an assignment. Get a yard. Don’t have one? Use your neighbor’s. Don’t have any neighbors? Make ’em. Buy one or five things from Zed’s Zombie Ranch. Decorate the yard. Sit back. Check out Zed’s Zombie Ranch’s new blogspot site and come back next week for another Tuesday uEtsy. 

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