"What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?"
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ATTICA!  ATTICA!

You probably saw the above-pictured novelty bank numerous times in the late 80′s through the early 90′s. It’s often referred to as the “Little Shop of Horrors bank” or the “Audrey II bank,” but its actual name is the “Venus Coin Trap” bank. Why? Because it was designed to cash in on the 1986 Little Shop of Horrors musical film without the makers having to pay any licensing fees. Frankly, I’m surprised nobody has tried to take advantage of the original film’s (supposedly) public domain status and used that version’s design for the various Little Shop of Horrors influenced products rather than tempt fate by clearly copying the plant in the then-recent film. In fact, the plant in the original film is actually called “Audrey Jr.” rather than “Audrey II.” But I suppose that even using the original’s name would have the lawyers come a-calling.

As a young horror fan, I desperately wanted one, but could never afford it. My father once offered to buy it for me, but accidentally purchased Milton Bradley’s “Feed Me” game instead. While not what I had wanted, I was still quite taken with it. Flash forward a few decades. I had remembered the elusive bank and decided to track it down online. My search eventually led me to Amazon, where I found it under its proper “Venus Coin Trap” name. I had a giftcard handy, so I immediately ordered it.

When it arrived, I was very pleased to see it had the same packaging I had remembered from when I encountered the plant at a joke store many years ago. Prior to that, I had only seen it out of its packaging on display. Let’s have a look at said packaging:

No burp?  Why did I buy this?

I was so bummed to see the “Sorry No Burp” notice. I had never seen the bank in action before and had always assumed it was just as impressive as the other novelty banks of the time, like “Robbie the Robot.” I had always imagined that it would call “Feed Me” until someone gave the plant a coin, which it would nosily gulp down and chewed, with a noisy belch after its “meal” was completed.

Audrey II shakes down investment Hitler

No comment...

This is why money doesn't grow on trees.  *crickets*

Let’s take a closer look at the plant. The leaves cover up most of the plant (as you can see via the packaging’s clear plastic window), but are flexible and can be bent into whatever position the owner wants. I bent them a little in this article’s pictures to show off more of the plant itself, while still trying to cover up the bulk of the plant’s largely undetailed surface.

It has to hold it like that until I say it's okay.  Training Venus Coin Traps is insanely easy.

As is the case with venus flytraps, you shouldn't feed your venus coin trap raw hamburger.  Human flesh, on the other hand...

As you can see in this image, there are metal prongs in the bank’s mouth that form an incomplete circuit. When the metal coin touches them, the circuit is completed, which activates the bank’s mechanism. Sadly, my bank doesn’t work, so I can’t describe how the plant “eats” the coin (much less film it like I had originally planned). I don’t blame the Amazon seller I bought it from, as the construction is rather flimsy and I almost damaged it merely trying to remove the battery. I imagine that the packaging’s description nicely sums up what happens: The mouth opens, the coin falls in and is “chewed.” Said coin can be removed via a compartment at the bottom of the plant’s pot. I suppose I could have tried exchanging it or sent it in for repairs, but that would only cost more money for some a feature I’d maybe use every so often. Besides, I mainly plan on using it as a spooky display item on Halloween. Don’t even try to tell me it wouldn’t look cool under dim lighting and with a fake severed finger held in its mouth.

OM NOM NOM

A Handful of Dirt

 

A Handful of Dirt asks a person five questions they wouldn’t normally expect or receive in any other credible interview.

In consulting the Serendipiter Bag o’InquiryTM, we pose a series of questions to come up with a bit of knowledge unknown before – a handful of dirt.

 

 

Ray is originally from Nebraska. He moved to Wyoming in the 80′s and studied art at Casper College. His devotion to horror fiction led him to begin posting material online in the 90′s. Although his website, ravensblight.com, is most notable for it’s free paper toys, Ray also enjoys composing music, writing short stories, painting, photography and making short films. He can’t be bargained with… he can’t be reasoned with… he doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear,  and he absolutely will not stop, ever, until he realizes he’s out of coffee and might like a sandwich.

 

Who is the 80′s/90′s television character you find the most relatable in the year 2012?

I watch very little television, but I do seem to remember it involving characters of some sort. As I recall, they were quite anxious to have me try a particular brand of laundry detergent.

What movie (or movie-based reality) would you like us all to live in?

It might be interesting to inhabit the world of The Blues Brothers… everything’s pretty much the same, yet wildly improbable miracles happen frequently (and everyone you meet starts singing and dancing.)

What or who do we blame for inspiring you to take your life down this chosen path?

I’d have to blame EC comics for introducing me to a fellow named Cain and his House Of Mystery back in the 70′s. Also, Dark Shadows brought Barnabas Collins into my life in the late 60′s and I’ve yet to shake off the effects of that. If you throw in the Munsters, Addams Family, Night Gallery, and Carl Kolchak… well, I obviously never had a chance.

What is the most noteworthy item you’ve found on sale at a flea market/yard sale/classified ad?

A 1937 Chevy. (I’ve had it several years now, still runs great.)

What’s the name of the speciality magazine that you start up (bonus question: who’s on the cover of your first issue?)

Perhaps ‘The Flegandermestupheshlermumph Gazzette’ with Pee Wee Herman on the cover (cuz Hey… Pee Wee!)

It would need to include paper toys to cut out and assemble, and a cardboard back with a little 45 rpm record stamped on it (like they used to do on cereal boxes). I realize not everyone still has a 45 rpm record player, but I seldom clutter my creative thinking with such trivial things as ‘facts’.

Tuesday uEtsy

The Tuesday uEtsy feature will be going on a short hiatus for maintenance. We encourage you to go through the archives to see what goods and wares have been under the spotlight, though as you to Please Pardon Our Appearance as we correct broken links, resupply images and get everything in working order.

 

Tuesday uEtsy will return on June 5th. 

Tuesday uEtsy

[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

Clara Boo’s Curioddities
http://www.etsy.com/shop/curioddities

Sew Couture Caduceus Pocket Mirror

Creepiness is an art. In order to really creep someone out, it doesn’t take much if you do it properly. There is a lot you can do just by playing with tactile sensations. There’s some truth in that slumber party game of making your friends close their eyes before you slide their hands into cold spaghetti noodles, lying to them about how these are veins taken from a murder victim’s body.

Creepy is a clever art form. You can’t creep someone out if you go about it dumbly, with no finesse or any kind of panache. It’s hard to do when you overplay your hand or go for the bombastic approach, as many people do. Creepy is very subtle, very slithering. When you creep someone out, it also has to come off as a natural action for you, even if the action itself is unnatural. You can’t do something that immediately reveals itself a charade, or else you’ll come off as comical or, at worst, a farce.

We think that one of the charming traits of Clara Boo’s Currioddities is how they manage to be naturally creepy without showing much effort. They also do it in a manner that it doesn’t ward off anyone from buying their products. It’s a very accessible level of creepiness and we applaud their work.

Bat Girl Womens Medium T Shirt Last One

Glancing at this women’s t-shirt, your eyes are drawn to the comely figure whose shape is accentuated by the cape of spider-webs. Above, a well enamored moon looks down, almost gleeful in its voyeuristic delight. Though pornographic by no means, the undercurrent of sex here is undeniable, made not so much creepy but somewhat subversive by the fact that this woman’s elongated neck implies what her true intentions are. Even more so, when she reveals them, people will be watching.

Penny Farthing Pocket mirror

The actual mirror is a handy tool and should be on hand in case of any last minute touch-ups or in need to measure the strength of a body’s breath. The image on the back shows an ecstatic child-thing riding the penny farthing, a trio of bat shapes gliding behind it on attached strings. Are the bats dead or fake? And the ever visible seam in the child-thing’s head, does that imply that it wears a protective shell? What grim visage lies underneath that permanently grinning face?

Skeleton and a Vampire

Clara Boo’s Curioddities offers a very extensive range of products, from wearables to displayables to sendables, like this card here. One of a series displaying festive costumes on children in the custom of trick-or-treating, the bit of creepiness is not in the visibles. In fact, it’s quite charming. Clara Boo is able to capture her two-dimensional style in a very third dimension, providing a wonderful card to send at the appropriate time. No, what’s utterly creepy about this is the sound that these things, these children, might make if they were real and standing on your desk.

Nostalgia 2 Blank Card

Nostalgia is, in itself, a horrible affliction that renders a lot of the living into ghastly bits of death, floating around while dressed in antiquated modes of fashion, profounding the truths of long, outdated technologies and thoughts. It’s a horrible curse and so it’s questionable as to why this high fashion darling is called such. The colors allusion to sorry, the pose one of coyness and possible regret? The nearly exposed breast leading to imagine this a woman once comfortable with having a life separate from sex but now? Very peculiar.

Penny Black With Radio Blank Greetings Card.

 How horrible it must be to be so proficient with your hands to expertly capture the expression of depression and utter despair on the face of an inanimate (?) object. The doll, though complete in construction, looks broke in spirit. The position next to the antique radio, the objects from a prior time, only aid in the melancholy. How wonderful. How creepy.

Do be a doll yourself and go to these pages - Clara Boo on Twitter, on Facebook here and also on Facebook there. If you aren’t feeling terribly social, avoid the social networks and go straight to the official page. Don’t forget to visit her Etsy store and purchase what have you.

Tuesday uEtsy

[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

VoodooPin
http://www.etsy.com/shop/voodoopin

Frankenstein Monster white vinyl decal/sticker

Glenn the Sasquatch came by the office at Quiet Side recently. W. Jon and S. Jason were covering the night watch.

“I’m surprised you haven’t hired someone to do this,” Glenn said as he was poured a cup of coffee, dealt into the game of pitch and welcomed by the few people of Leathbridge who might not turn in fright at the sight of a near seven foot tall Bigfoot.

“Not many can handle your occasional visit,” W. Jon told Glenn. “And when did you get a truck?”
“Bernie, yeah. Got me a deal with a guy,” said Glenn.
“How did you get insurance?”
“Same guy. Also got me a license. Real nice chap. ”

Sure enough, Glenn is a legal driver, certified to operate anything with two axels this side of a confused horse.

“Who taught you how to drive?”
“Bernie, again. Guess he did figure it’ll help him when his Poinsettia starts up, yeah. Figures if he can make it through teaching a Sasquatch how to parallel park, teaching his daughter will be a breeze.”

Such musings keep the weary awake during the late hours in Leathbrige. Glenn’s car, though used, came without any kind of superfluous decorations. Barring that no organized sport holds appeal to the general Sasquatch population save Roller Derby (“Though, do take a shine to that Brian Wilson fella,” Glenn said, pointing out the closing pitcher for the San Francisco Giants), the options for what to put on the back window of Glenn’s truck remain up in the air. Anything sasquatch related seems a bit too boastful for the humble Glenn, though he might want to consider some of the decals offered by today’s store – VoodooPin.

Charles Nelson Reilly CNR White vinyl decal/sticker Match Game

The late Charles Nelson Reilly, character actor known for his distinct voice and campy mannerisms, was canonized in the Dead Milkmen’s song “Serrated Edge.” Flamboyant but controlled, Reilly was a wit and a half and is clearly a valued entity when dealing with the off-worldly and bizarre. Consider him a stepping stone towards harder drugs like Jon Waters. Put this decal on where you can pay tribute daily as you prepare to take on and own the day.

Legend Darkness Black vinyl decal/sticker

Voodoo Pin offers a variety of pop culture stickers/decals, all within a dark, outsider mentality. If you’ve ever rooted for the bad guy (before it was cool to do so) then it’s likely that you’ll want to buy everything at Voodoo Pin. Here, we see the character of Darkness, portrayed by Tim Curry and twenty pounds of make-up, from the 1985 film Legend. Starring a only-semi-crazy Tom Cruise, the real appeal of the movie was Tim Curry, even if you had to dig through ten layers of latex to find him.

Drop Dead Gorgeous VoodooSugar Photography Magnet Skull Skeleton

Of course, VoodooPin wouldn’t only have decals. They also offer magnets, shirts and even totes. Entice the right people to enter while keeping the wrong people out of your fridge, locker or cubicle with this Drop Dead Gorgeous magnet. Clearly, there’s really no other way. KEEP OUT posters are too brazen and you never know who you’re preventing from wasting your time. Your only option is to buy this.

Bride Of Frankenstein Made For Each Other Black Zippered Tote Bag Ready To Ship Classic Horror

This is awesome, even if you’re not big on romance or black tote bags. It’s much better than those green or blue bags you buy for a dollar at a grocery store so you can somehow negate the guilt of a lifetime spent with plastic bags. It’s clearly outfitted for you to apply your own customization, with pins and patches (some of which can be bought from VoodooPin.) Clearly, this is something beyond the pale of human comprehension. That’s right. VoodooPin are aliens. Alien zombies who have taken to etsy. FLEE!

Red Hot Riding Hood Magnet red corset burlesque pin up

Not content with staying with horror and spooky themes, a lot of their artwork features sexy pinups from those times when you were first discovering sex. It’s a rad and confusing time, and you can relive those moments every day. Hopefully, you’ve gained enough confidence in yourself that you can look upon this Tex Avery inspired artwork and say “Yes. This is what put me down the path I currently walk” with some sense of pride. Or regret. Either way, buy.

Head over to VoodooPin’s shop  (or check out their main page www.VoodooSugar.com) to see all that there is to see. When you’re done making your purchases, sit knowing that you’ve done right by the universe. We’ll wait for you, back here, until the next Tuesday uEtsy.

Tuesday uEtsyFor those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

Total Lost
http://www.etsy.com/shop/TotalLost

T shirt marilyn monroe skull white women funny goth

Remember the 90’s?

If you grew into adolescence during that period, there was a horrible trend of black t-shirts with white text on the front, usually broadcasting some witty saying. ‘The voices in my head tell me things’ or ‘Extinction can’t come fast enough.’ These shirts were a blight upon the land and remnants of this plague can still be found at fading Old Glory outlets and a few Hot Topics –or worse, Spencer’s Gifts—found at your local mall.

It wasn’t until the death of the 90’s (occurring sometime in 2001) that the nostalgia t-shirt, pre-weathered as if it were sincerely from the 70’s or 80’s, appeared at the top of the t-shirt pyramid. A new predator, just as invasive and devastating as the prior one, now roams about. At first, there was the idea of wearing a Jolly Green Giants ringer tee as a lark.

“Oh, just for shits and giggles. ‘Ho Ho Ho,’ right?” you might have heard someone say as justification for their purchase. From there, no brand or intellectual property was too obscure or too obnoxious to be bought, repackaged and sold back to us. This was hipness, some comfort in the IDEA of nostalgia even if, frankly, those buying the shirts never experienced the advertising mascots or cartoon characters firsthand when they were new. See a 23 year old wearing a Mr. Clean or a Scrubbing Bubbles t-shirt and you KNOW they’re frauding it up, right in front of you. That kid wasn’t FUNCTIONING or AWARE of these brands but yet displays them out of some mindless reflex.

It’s not bad. It’s no worse than kids wearing South Park t-shirts twenty years ago. It is evidence that no matter what time you were raised or how old you are, it is ESSENTIAL to have a healthy, discriminating eye when it comes to t-shirt. Or else you’ll end up with a closet full of Tazmanian Devils and T-ShirtHell.com rejects you’ll eventually try to dump at GoodWill.

Thankfully, there exists clever minds with good fashion making shirts for you to consider. One of these shops is Total Lost.

T shirt men Charlie Chaplin zombie black & white scary horror

Why Total Lost picked Charlie Chaplin to zombify is up for debate. Could it be the Little Tramp’s tenure as an acrobatic talent with physical comedy is now ironically reduced through mortification? Could the passing resemblance to Poe and/or Hitler somehow factor in the spookiness? It’s not entirely clear and that’s slightly refreshing. It’s not Chuck Norris or Abraham Lincoln and thank goodness for that.

t shirt men girl unicorn black & white funny horror scary goth

The accompanying line is “Sometimes I wish I were a unicorn” and thus, this hilarious bit of black+white gore can now be yours. Are unicorns passé now? We think we’ve passed the unicorn peak. Are we ready to move on or can we start wearing this in an anti-unicorn movement? It’s crazy. You better jump on this before it’s too late.

 

T shirt men skull lips bloody black red white horror scary

Designs like this from Total Lost are timeless, though. It’s a wonderful arrangement of visceral details in something that’s going to be hot (fashion wise, not material wise. It’s 100% cotton. It breathes) for decades to come. Plus, with the ink that Total Lost uses, the color will last longer than you. This is one of their best shirts and should be on your body this summer, fall and what you wear when they finally bury you, six feet down.

 

T shirt little girl holding skull balloons black creepy horror women

Little girls are creepy. You can’t really deny that. Every horror movie that involves an otherworldly, little girl is at least 14% more creepy than without. The Shining. Nightmare on Elm Street. Matilda. All are disturbing movies and you can wear that horror ON YOUR BODY. HOW INSANE IS THAT?

T shirt skull tree white black goth horror art men

It’s turning springtime for the northern hemisphere, meaning that it’s fall somewhere. It’s always autumn somewhere. ALWAYS. But if you are either experiencing the leaves falling down to your feet, dead and gone, or just want to get a jump on things, this is the shirt you will buy today. A great, haunting pattern that is ready to say “I am a fan of the season where everything DIES.”

You should also be a fan of Total Lost. Find them on Facebook and at their Etsy Site. Buy, wear, be aware and be back here next week for another Tuesday uEtsy.

 

Marlborough, MA is a small city nestled deep Middlesex County, which H.P. Lovecraft once briefly referred to as “a western Massachusetts back-water” in his essay “Supernatural Horror in Literature.” At one point, Marlborough’s territory had included Northborough, Southborough, Westborough and Hudson but its size dwindled as each of said areas eventually split off to form their own communities. Some horror fans might recognize it as the setting of Herbert S. Gorman’s novel The Place Called Dagon, where strange goings-on are reported in the area.

I had stopped by a haunted house there after visiting Hanson’s Haunted Farm (and Hayride) last October, which is presumably the reason Strange Jason had emailed me about a show taking place there. It was titled “What You Will Be Doing Tomorrow” and although I originally suspected that someone had hacked his account and was trying to lure me to a Facebook scam, I was pleasantly surprised that a little fact-checking revealed that the Facebook event link in the body of the email was genuine. There I learned that The Evil Streaks and the Ten Foot Polecats would be performing at The Lazy Dog sports bar in Marlborough.

Ignore the crappy job I did and pay attention to the sign...

I was initially shocked that anyone would come to such an out-of-the way place for a show. I had heard of the Streaks before and they weren’t exactly small potatoes. You might remember them from their appearance in the very first episode of our podcast. This seemingly unusual venue choice made much more sense when I learned that both bands were from Massachusetts. Although I had a visitor coming the day after the show, the opportunity to have a little fun after having recently finished a ton of appointments and hearing Jason’s enthusiastic praise for attending Evil Streaks shows wooed me.

(more…)

Tuesday uEtsy[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

sewZinski
www.etsy.com/shop/sewZinski

Ceramic Travel Mug I’ll sleep when I’m dead stars clouds black turquoise aqua blue Geekery white by sewZinski

 

Coffee.

“I didn’t drink it at all,” Strange Jason said over a freshly brewed pot, “until I moved out here to Leathbridge. It’s not like I wasn’t drinking caffeine. It was a lot of soda at first, then I got into coffee. I stopped, picking up an energy drink habit for a while—might have been a phase, y’know? But now? At least two, maybe three a day?”

“It’s not healthy to drink that much,” says Young Gus. “Gives ya ulcers.”

“Gus, you’ve been drinking coffee back when it was stronger than motor oil and twice as thick,” said Strange Jason. “What are you saying about it being unhealthy?”

“I have my one mug in the morning,” clarifies Gus. “That is all. No more, no less.”

It’s interesting to see how the process of coffee has become a staple of many lives, so much that the oncoming extinction of the bean will lead to as much disruption as peak oil. By then, life on this planet will probably become so inhospitable that the conditions will ultimately lead to our own extinction. So, no worries.

Until then, ward of the gloom by drinking your coffee (or tea) through one of the wonderful ceramic cups from seZinski. These mugs are non-toxic, microwave and dishwasher safe (though handwashing is advised be done to preserve the color.)

Ceramic Travel Mug Painted Lucha Libre Mexican Wrestlers Mask Lightning Bolts Stars Red Blue Yellow by sewZinski on Etsy

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes, that struggle requires a corkscrew plancha suicida. If you feel like donning a mask before a business meeting or blasting entrance music once you join a conference call, you might be a luchadore. It’s strange how these changes can sneak up on you. Best embrace them. It’s much more fun than fighting it.

Octopus Ceramic Travel Mug Orange Tentacles Nautical Sea Creature Kraken Painted by sewZinski on Etsy

There’s less chance that you’re an octopus. We’re not dismissing the chance, as the cephalopods have demonstrated cunning, wit and even psychic abilities within the last few years. However, we haven’t made any personal contact with a particular species, so if you are one who happens to read this site, do send us a letter. And let us know if you drink coffee. Do you like this orange tentacle mug? We’re curious.

 Sugar Skull Day of the Dead Ceramic Coaster Set Folk Art Tattoo Round Hand Painted Stars Flowers Diamonds Pink Yellow Green Turquoise Orange

Along with painted skulls and ceramic birds, sewZinski offers coasters. Sometimes, you don’t want to drink out of a ceramic mug. Your glasswear might require cold drinks. Condensation is killer for wood coffee tables, especially now that the endless summer will drive us all to drink until we expire. Or, until we perspire. Or WHILE we perspire. It’s all how you look at it. You can’t save yourself so you might as well save your coffee table from unsightly mug rings with this gorgeous coaster set.

Red Heart Ceramic Travel Mug Tattoo Swallows Loteria Love Arrow Birds Blue Mexican folk art Painted by sewZinski on Etsy

Do you love something? Someone? Do you love coffee? So many questions plague you in the morning. Love should never be in question before 11am. We find it easier to deal with it right before lunch and assuming you work a fair schedule, dealing with love around 11:15-11:30 seems fair. Be prepared with this love themed coffee mug when you’re dealing with a lover or a love of thai food.

Ceramic Tile Coaster Set Tattoo Rockabilly black & white painted gun knife poison brass knuckles by sewZinski on Etsy

To ward off people from ruining your furniture, these coasters brandish weapons of destruction. You might think they would be afraid of using the coasters but you’d be wrong. In fact, people will want to cover them up, knowing full well that they might be used upon them if they mark up your antique endtable with their can of Mt. Dew.

Save yourself some time and head over to sewZinski’s etsy shop to see all the products for sale. You can also find sewzinki on Facebook, Twitter and even Flickr.  We’ll brew up another pot and see you back here next week for another Tuesday uEtsy.

 

Tuesday uEtsy[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

Faster Than You
http://www.etsy.com/shop/artallnight

devil girl hellbomb necklace

Soft ground and sunshine foreshadows a decent spring season, which is welcomed since last year’s water table was so flooded that we didn’t so much bury but sink the departed down in Quiet Side. We worry about the summer being a merciless one, so be sure you’re prepared. Sunscreen.

Before that happens, enjoy the spring time. This week’s Tuesday uEtsy is dedicated to Faster Than You and their accessories that will help resurrect your wardrobe from the dead.

skull and dice earrrings viva las vegas rockabilly

 With all the new shows coming around, you got to step out and show off. If not for someone else, you should dress for yourself. If you look good, you feel good. (This goes for both men, women and all those in between or outside.) Take your old clothing to goodwill or sell it to second hand shops and start dressing to match your style. If you think these skull and dice earrings are you, then buy them, wear them and love them. Life’s short. Be happy with what you see in the mirror.

 skull crossbones pet tag

 With the warmer weather, there is more temptation to bring your animal outside. Don’t do such a thing unless your cat or dog has proper licensing and what better way to ensure their safety than with a microchip implanted in their skin. And afterwards, make sure that the normal person in the street can find out who your dog or cat belongs to with this skull and crossbones pet tag.

bulldog skeleton zombie necklace

If you’re a dog person, this might not be a great necklace. Or, if you’re a cat person, this is an AWESOME necklace. In order to think that this bulldog came back from the dead, it had to DIE first. Maybe the idea that dogs can come back from the dead terrifies you as a cat person but delights you as a dog person? We think you have some identity issues to work out. Or you’re probably happy with your multiple positions on life and have already bought this necklace. Good for you!

gaga for glam jerseylicious BLACK mega lightning bolt ring

 Gaga, glam or jerseylicious – descriptions for this black mega bolt ring that we don’t usually use in our daily vocab repertoire. BUT if everyone spoke like us, no one would have any idea what the other was saying. So it’s good that Faster Than You has a colorful description of their products. Perhaps you know what they’re talking about and agree that this gaga for glam ring is wonderful. Go buy it, then.

rainbow skull butterfly cuff bracelet

Perhaps you’re tired of black. It is spring, after all. You’re in the spirit for color, for rebirth. But you can’t shirk off your identity so closely identified with death and the macabre? HERE YOU GO! It’s perfect. This cuff bracelet will ROCK YOUR WORLD. Wear this on your wrist, your sleeve, your neck (if it’s thin enough though it’s not the recommended use.) FLY!

When you touch back down, go to Faster Than You over at Etsy. We’ll be here waiting for you when you return for another edition of Tuesday uEtsy, next week.

 

Tuesday uEtsy[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

BreadandBadger
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BreadandBadger

2 Jolly Roger Skull – Etched Lowball Glasses

Humphrey has become a charmer since Loretta, accompanying Bernie as he’s come around to do some work in Quiet Side, has brought her new child while their eldest, Poinsettia, is off in school. Young Gus has taken to the newest member of the Freakshow family. It’s enjoyable to see them interact, to see Gus try to get a laugh out of the seventh month old and how the older man smiles brightly when the young baby bursts out laughing.

Poinsettia and her friend, Bella Muerte – “It’s ‘Bea,’ for short,” Ponsettia instructed us last we saw her – have been coming up to Quiet Side after school. Poinsettia greets her little brother enthusiastically, calling him “Lumpy Humpy.”

In a time when optimism and joy is in short supply, seeing a family with such love and comfort is reassuring to a point that we might have hope for the future. It’s a little bit of hope in the face of growing evidence to the contrary. We can only maintain and take what little bit of joy we can get.

It’s a sad state when sunny weather is a precursor to doom instead of barbecue. The weather will be May-levels, two months too early. We remain cautious. Still, it’s time to get the cookwear out, especially for upcoming Local events at Union Hall. To replace some of the glasses that broke during the winter storage, we will head to Bread and Badger. Specializing in etched glass, Bread and Badger’s products are higher in price than one might expect. But it’s their quality that means you will get what you pay for – an exceptionally good piece of glassware.

 

4 Robot Pint Glasses – Etched Glass

“Robots Need Gas For Fuel,” read a piece of graffiti sprawled over one of the outer overpasses in Leathbridge. Someone’s inside joke comes out here in this four-set of pint glasses with BreadandBadger’s original design. With the designs sandblasted on the glass, it produces an interesting effect that complements the glass as well as what you’re drinking. If you drink beer or soda or just water, it’ll look handsome in this glass. You don’t even have to be a robot.

 

1 Zombie Apocalypse Etched Pint Glass

You could be a zombie. We don’t really now. It’s a possibility that zombies are now capable of purchasing from Etsy. We don’t know, nor do we hold any prejudice. If you’ve risen from the grave and you’ve somehow managed to carve out a spot in this world, where you’re now able to order custom pint glasses from the internet – good for you. You’ve done it. You’re living the dream. And, if you’re ordering this etched pint glass, you have good taste.

1 Blue Octopus Highball Tumbler – Hand Blown Recycled Glass

Bread and Badger aren’t limited to just pin glasses. They offer a wide variety of products, for the adult and child in your life (perhaps they’re the same thing?) They have juice glasses, lowball glasses, whisky cordial glasses and highball tumblers. And if you’re throwing back a highball with the devil, make sure to include a picture of an octopus on the glass. Why? If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

 1 Guitar Rocks Glass – etched acoustic electric guitar

From the depths of a Gibson hollowbody electric came rock and roll. From there, the sounds of Chuck Berry, Bill Haley and joined the charge of Little Richard and Elvis to change the world. If there is anything worth raising your glass, this guitar and this music might be it.

 1 Anatomical Heart Tumbler – Hand Blown – Clear Glass

Of course, drink responsibility. Or not at all. Glasses, much like life, are what you put in them. So if you feel the urge t make your own soda or to drink milk until the end of time or just do water or spiked bubble tea, do it. Buy your glass from Bread and Badger and fill it with whatever you like.

Find them on Etsy here. They are also on Facebook and Twitter. Buy a picture, fill it with your beverage of choice and tweet a picture to them. Tell them that we sent you and be sure to return back here next week for another Tuesday uEtsy.

Tuesday uEtsy[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

AngelQ Expressions
http://www.etsy.com/shop/AngelQ

Voodoo Hoodoo…Chicken Feet, Graveyard Dirt, and Baron Samedi

Seems the weather is turning strange, with parts of the world getting tornadoes and snowstorms while OTHER parts will report temperatures in the Early Summer region of the thermometer. Maybe the world IS ending this year?

If so, you better pick up some AngelQ Expressions while your money is worth something. There’s plenty of survival equipment being made and food being processed, canned and stored. But you’re going to need some identifiable item so that when the survivors come upon your encampment, they know you’re friend (or foe.) Or, if this world continues, you’ll want to live it up looking fashionable, won’t you?

Either way, don’t risk it. Buy.

SALE The Great Old One Cometh Cthulhu with Obsidian and Hematite OOAK

Cephalopod capture the fluid motion of a snake and multiplies it, adding in the viscous texture of a mucus covered skin, or a body that has lived under water since the dawn of time. These are creatures that exist at a peak under the water (and some of them can walk on land!) These are creatures so far removed from ourselves. Deep ones. Evil things. And you can demonstrate your fealty with this necklace.

 Black Widow in Obsidian OOAK

Alice Cooper turned 64 this year. Consider, he had to change his name from Vincent Furnier to a rock villain named Alice in order to be comfortable in his own skin. Granted, there was severe alcoholism and even more golf, but it’s nice to know that outlandish methods can somehow bring a man peace. This is all mentioned because his song “Black Widow” off of the legendary album, ‘Welcome To My Nightmare.’ What a great album.

On the Chopping Block…The Slasher Horror Films Defined

The appeal of the butcher knife is that it’s a weighted item. It’s a cooking axe, a cleaver, a thick chunk of steel that will just sever one piece from another. It’s almost magic at how easy a sharpened blade can slice through anything when wielded by a skilled hand. This is intimidating. And you can be intimidating when you wear these earrings. Demonstrate a knowledge and respect for this tool or at least, scare the hell out of your bartender.

 Deadly Red

A procession of skulls follows a set of vampire teeth, interspersed by blood red beats to create an elegant concept of death and rebirth in this single piece. A charm bracelet to wear around the wrist; reach and go about your day, allowing people to catch a glimpse and know that death is always near at hand. Or have something pretty to look at as you jangle.

Ruby the Demon Defined

A little bit of fan-art for you followers of a certain supernatural television series, who will identify the nature of the dagger, the red vial of “blood” and french-fries made into a three-dimensional, wearable jewelry. Demons and CW fans will be your friends. And you need as many friends in this world as you can get.

You can find AngelQ Expressions across the Internet – find them on Facebook, over at DeviantART, on Twitter and even on Tumblr! You can find the main promo website over at angelqexpressions.weebly.com. Check up and get acquainted and when you’re all settled, return here next week for another edition of Tuesday uEtsy.

 

Tuesday uEtsyFor those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

UrhammerArts
http://www.etsy.com/shop/UrhammerArts

 

OOAK Bib Necklace–Made With Recycled Hardware, Bullet Brass, and Reclaimed Watch Gears

One of Leathbridge’s romantic moments happened two nights ago. In the historic recording of Amorous Occurrences, a ledger kept by Hector in the mind that isn’t condemned to speak in limericks as a primary method in relating to the world, the event of fifty-four hours passed surpassed Wil Davis’s spontaneous composition and performance of a thirteen minute soliloquy, with acoustic guitar accompaniment, that overcame a divide of three weeks between him and Ms. Vanessa Black.

While a young man playing a guitar isn’t normally romantic (in fact, it’s downright cliché) it was the fact that two people, completely separate organisms of individual thought processes and isolated methods of understanding and interacting with the world had twelve seconds of complete, total understanding—it happened during 9:33-9:45 of the song—made the event noteworthy. Somehow, the longing of two foolishly dumb animals, commonly known as human beings, punctured the barrier that such a thing as language was just so specifically invented to do. They were successful in understanding everything about the other, even if it was for twelve seconds. Odds are, that’s twelve seconds more than what you’ve had, what WE’VE had.

It’s this appreciation for a greater sense of understanding, for the nature of art, that we bring the spotlight on Urhammer Arts for this week’s Tuesday uEtsy spotlight. There’s a stronger commitment to creating objects that act as tools in understanding another person, elegant objects that are totems towards conquering those mystic demons of confusion, of distrust and ignorance.

Elegant Circle Necklace

There’s a philosophical theory that states because there’s a need for language, that we are incapable of understanding each other. Because we do not possess complete empathy, we need to invent a system to convey what we think and feel. Ergo, that moment when Wil tried like a clumsy Neanderthal beating away the dark and somehow sparking fire, he fought against the threat of a crumbling relationship with all he could reach for. And twelve seconds later, he and Vanessa were left changed. Gone, for a mere sliver of a minute, were two individuals. There wasn’t a spot where one ended and the other began. In similar spirit, this elegant circle necklace exists without a start or a stop. It, just like that moment, exists without any kind of perception of time.

Those twelve seconds went by without either party speaking. The chords that Wil strummed were recorded but are kept confidential in Hector’s mind. If the man ever learns how to play guitar, he might be able to reproduce those notes but until then, they remain locked away.

Bat Pendant Necklace–Solid Brass

Hector’s own love life has been one of struggle. His stroke, not initially caused by the mixture of three types of jerky into one sandwich, but a blood clot that could have been fatal. The speech therapy that followed did procure his unusual predicament of speaking in limerick. It’s a comfort thing. He can speak straight, though labored and it’s very painful for him. He struggles with it the most when speaking with his wife, who hasn’t left him, but the frustration in Cindy’s face has been apparent since the day after Hector’s surgery. Part of her fluttered away when she realized that there was a lengthy and arduous road ahead of her if she chose to stay with her husband. As not many can imagine the sound of that part of her that lifted off her shoulders and past her eyes, its small body growing smaller as she watched it soar away.

Bullet Earrings–Ladies Look DANGEROUS

Even with that miracle of understanding, the event with Wil and Vanessa was only third in the descending order of ‘Romantic Qualities.’ The quantitative details, though verified though the years, remain as secretive as the notes of Wil’s guitar. Only Hector knows why the event of two nights ago bumped Wil and Vanessa down to no.4 from no.3.

We only know of what constitutes the entries in the no.2 and newly no.3 spots. What has been established as the most romantic moment of our sleepy hollow’s existence has to be kept from the public, in fear of foolhardy reenactments that might lead to more harm than good. Romance is dangerous, very similar to the efforts behind these bullet earrings. Can bullets mean peace and romance? Doubt it. Instead, someone wearing these demonstrate that they are not, in layman’s terms, are to be messed with.

EYE earrings–Delicate Vintage Findings Recycled Jewelry

However, the EYE earrings of above, as admitted by the folks behind Urhammer Arts, are of a more vague nature. It’s not clear what message they convey and it’s in this ambiguity that they thrive. It allows for the individual to adapt them to their own specific message. To others, this presents a puzzle, a quandary to decipher. This might complicate life but we’re a complicated, if not dumb, species. We’ve arisen from the mire and muck, either from the primordial goop or the primitive garden of antiquity, because we are programmed to be complicated. If humans were meant to be simple, they’d be butterflies.

Art Deco Moth Necklace

Or moths.

All animals are complex in design. Keep that in mind. You are complex and you are an animal. Celebrate your limitless and limited duality with this necklace that celebrates the nature of art and the art in nature.

You can discover the rest of Urhammer Arts at their Etsy page. Follow them on twitter . Come back here next week for more mysteries we might or might not tell you about in between the pages of another Tuesday uEtsy.

 

The psychobilly pompadour is a distinct hairstyle, rising from the swamps of the punk rock Mohawk/Mohican to mate with the undead bride of the 1950’s greaser curl to produce an iconic look with variation. Usually the forward spike that defies gravity and, depending on how dedicated the psycho cat it, it could be anywhere from a few inches to a full foot in height.

Keeping such a look must be hell, especially with all the products out there. I’ve never rocked anything near what the most extravagant psychos or punks have presented, but I have gone through a cavalcade of creams, sprays, waxes and gels. Some of them were rancid oil products that could double as napalm. Others were goopy and amorphous, like they could really ruin Steve McQueen’s night.

You don’t want to be putting crap in your hair. No glue. Nothing that seems like it could double as axle grease. You want to stick to all natural and high quality. Ergo, the multi-purpose Putrescence from Grave Robbers Union Local 666.

This week’s Tuesday uEtsy put GRUL666 in the spotlight and they were very kind to provide a 1.oz tin of their new product. It’s a mix of “Microcrystalline wax, Beeswax, Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, and Cinnamon/Clove Essential oils.”  If you can both count the ingredients on both hands AND easily pronounce them, you know the product’s a winner. And Putrescence is a winner.

The scent is a joy, a subtle brush of cinnamon mixed with the coconut that is inviting, not off-putting. One of the purposes advertised is as a cologne/perfume and I’m pretty sure I got asked out for drinks by three different women after I dabbed a bit on of Putrescence on my skin. And I was still in my bathroom, so you know it’s powerful (but not overpowering.)

The oils involved in the product are good for dried skin. I tried it on my hands and it seemed to relieve the sting of the winter’s cold. It works as well as a lip balm. If you’re getting ready for a noontime meal or a midnight kiss, you want to have some life in your lips and Putrescence brings them back from the dead.

But the primary selling point is as a hair product and I can tell you that it’s great. You only need a little bit to get your hair to stand straight up – this is maximum hold. It’ll have your hair standing on end like you’ve seen a ghost and after a nice wash, back to normal. It’s mostly natural, even if the people who make it aren’t. Your hair smells like a sandlewood coffin and your hair has the hold of a vampire’s spell.

Currently, the 1.oz variety, good for those who want to carry it around with them in their pockets or bags, runs for $4.25 + $4 shipping.  And we’re proud to share the announcement that GRUL666 has just added a compact for inclusion with all orders of 3 oz tins. You’ll get a compact mirror with your Putrescence tin for cheaper price than just for a competing hair product. A very good deal and you’re supporting a small business.

If you want all natural, if you want a bargain and if you want a great product that makes you feel, look and smell good, then you definitely want Putrescence.

EDIT: an earlier version of this post claimed that Putrescence was 100% natural, but Grue of GRUL666 informed me that due to the Microcrystalline wax, a petroleum product, they can’t make the claim. However, he did say that they’re switching over to soy wax from bees wax so the product will be vegan-safe. I still stand by the product’s effectiveness to sooth cracked skin and mold your hair.

A Handful of DirtA Handful of Dirt asks a person five questions they wouldn’t normally expect or receive in any other credible interview.

In consulting the Serendipiter Bag o’InquiryTM, we pose a series of questions to come up with a bit of knowledge unknown before – a handful of dirt.

 

 

 

Distinct and vivid as if its coming off the page, the art of Belle Dee has won her praise and respect. As an illustrator and graphic designer, some of my work has been published in Little Shoppe of Horrors and Rue Morgue magazines. It also won her a Rondo, as her drawings of classic and current horror earned her 2010′s Linda Miller Award for Best Fan Artist.  She also recently complete some work for Horrorhound, and will also be doing more work for their magazine later this year. When not working on art, Belle Dee can usually be found watching horror movies.

Find her work over at Doo Wacka Doodles. You can also find her making an appearance at Wondercon this May 26-27th. Also head over and like her artwork fan page at Facebook.

If you were to insert yourself as a character in a cartoon show, which show would it be?

I think I’d feel right at on The Venture Bros.

What’s an unlikely comic inspiration that people might not connect with your work?

That’s kind of a tough one, since I think that any one that I named would be pretty obvious. But I guess that I would say that the two big orange cats, Heathcliff & Garfield were big influences. I had a bunch of their books and I would try to draw some of the characters from them, when I was a kid.

Currently, what do you attribute being your creative “white whale,” in that you’ve tried to make (editor’s note: in this case, a drawing or art piece) but haven’t been able to get it exactly to your liking?

There are several things. For the last two years or so I’ve been trying to get the perfect Bela Lugosi drawing. It’s always a bit off. I recently did a couple that I’m just about satisfied with. The newest one is I’ve been trying to draw Benedict Cumberbatch (from the BBC Sherlock series), and he’s really tough. Which is surprising because he’s so unusual looking.

Which Muppet would you invite over to your family’s home for Thanksgiving?

Probably Sam the Eagle. I would get to be the ‘weirdo’ at dinner.

If you were to join the Coney Island Sideshow as a featured performer, what is your talent?

I don’t know. Maybe I’d teach my cats circus tricks. Then I could wear a cat costume, and we would all perform together. Like a dancing cat show.

 

Tuesday uEtsy[For those who are searching for unique horror items, one can’t beat Etsy.com. Each Tuesday, Gravedigger’s Local 16 aims to highlight one seller. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your sanctorum or get a gift for that special something in your life, Etsy.com is your place for spooky econo.]

Grave Robbers Union Local 666
http://www.etsy.com/shop/grul666

 

1″ button “Ghoul Power” Horror, Goth, Psychobilly, Rockabilly-Buy 2 get the 3rd free

 Let us start off by saying, the relationship between grave robber and grave digger used to be a whole lot worse.

Young Gus can attest to the few nights when a couple of unskillful wretches figured they’d be the next Burke and Hare, breaking into Quiet Side early into the morning in hopes of raiding a few of the freshly buried. Often they’d get caught and end up with a backside full of rock salt or worse, waiting for the ambulance or the police to arrive.

It was a rare individual who would spoil a good day’s work in hopes of scavenging the few bits of material goods the departed wished to entomb along with their decaying remains. T’was even rarer that such a person was right evil; most, clumsy and ashamed as they were, were good but desperate folk who simply ran out of other options. As the years gone on, the night guardsman trigger finger became less prejudiced.

This isn’t to say that security became lax or that a near spotless record at Quite Side suddenly became a tarnished cover. We have pride in our work and the loyalty to our customers in mind. But, as the days have gotten darker and the harvest less bountiful, certain understandings came into play between the two rivals.

Don’t take this as some kind of condoning pardon issued for any of you who think it’s an up and coming vocation to take a shovel to the next graveyard. Not all members of our union are understanding. You will get arrested and possibly shot.

But, when one of the tyrant shipping executives decides to load his casket with the baubles of a life lived for the bottom line, one can’t be too angry at the discovery of an exhumed corpse the next morning. Sometimes, a body isn’t buried too deep, knowing full well it’ll have to be covered up again. Other times, we have to be diligent against such invasive efforts. Some things get buried for a reason.

So we speak of the Grave Robbers Union Local 666 this time around. We put them in, they take them out. It’s a circle of life, a bit of recycling. As the resources dwindle, we’ll all be digging through the dead, soon enough.

Pre-Order T-shirt “Bite Me” Vampires, Psychobilly, Horrorpunk, Goth, Rockabilly, Burke, Grave Robber

Grave Robbers Union (GRUL666 from now on) specializes in apparel and accessories for the horror enthusiast, ranging from buttons, belt buckles and the above t-shirt. A pre-sale for you vampire fetishists or bat-lovers out there, this shirt invites the world to pony up and chomp on certain tender spots, whether they are above your waist or below. Perhaps you’re into this ‘bite club’ mentality? Or maybe you just like telling the world to kiss off? Either way, this shirt is currently on presale.

Pre-Order T-shirt “Coffin Argyle” Psychobilly, Horrorpunk, Goth, Rockabilly

 We personally enjoy this ‘coffin argyle’ design and hope that GRUL666 branches out into footwear so that we can see this ingenious pattern (in varying colors of mahogany, dried sienna and midnight black) on socks in the future. It’s a clever design that we hope doesn’t remain on this t-shirt. It’s one of those near realities, where we are on the cusp of an event. Soon, you might see ladies rocking knee-highs of this pattern at your local rockabilly show or perhaps on their arms as wrist warmers. You’re witnessing history here. Be glad.

1″ button hair clip “Misfits Fiend Club” , Psychobilly, Rockabilly, Punk, Horror, Goth

 In addition to the t-shirts, belt buckles, buttons and more that you’ll find at GRUL666, there is a plethora of hair clips available for your everyday (is Halloween) needs. One such example is this retro ‘Misfits Fiend Club,’ demonstrating a logo that isn’t the now world famous ‘Crimson Skull.’ Anime influenced or no, we can’t really know much of the origin of this image except that it’s NOT the Crimon Skull and for that alone, it deserves your attention. Perhaps wearing this goth/punk will attract the batcave dweller of your dreams? Or maybe it’ll make your hair look neat? Either way, buy.

1″ button hair clip “Old Witch” From Tales From the Crypt, Horror, Goth, Psychobilly, Rockabilly

Sometimes you never really know when you’re robbing a grave. Strange Jason remembers a time when as a youth, a friend of his family passed along a large cardboard box full of second hand comic books. For every superhero, there was one horror title. X-men were evenly matched by House of Mystery, Superman with Tales of Suspense or the Boris Karloff offshoot.

“Yeah, and a bunch of those ‘The Witching Hours,’ with those three witches. Morded, Mildred, and Cynthia. No idea that they were lifted from MacBeth,” admitted Strange Jason one day after the Intern dug was caught reading a collected volume of the old EC comics and the topic was the point of discussion. “Had a crush on the blonde one, that Cynthia. Probably wasn’t healthy but, well. Never claimed to be healthy.”

Perhaps you share a similar affliction or would like to demonstrate some solidarity to the old printed horror, the likes of the button hair clip seen here. Either way, we don’t judge you.

9 x 5 Brains Just Eat Em Silk Screened Backpatch, Horror, Goth, halloween, Punk, Psychobilly, Nike Swoosh

Parody aside, you sometimes just need to demonstrate a basic need. It might not even be for mere consumption but for a higher diet of conversation. Mainly, though, this is about consumption. Eating your fill and continuing on. It’s clever. It’s retro. It’s a patch and that’s all you really want to know, isn’t it?

Find more about GRUL66 on Facebook – (www.facebook.com/grul666) as they are quite active in their local community. Friend/Like them and you’ll be privy to all their secret dealings. Last weekend, they were giving away gifts. You want free gifts, don’t you? Well, you might as well follow them on Twitter over @grul666. Their website – www.trioxin245.com - will redirect you to their Etsy store for now but an official website with new products is forthcoming.  Until then, go to www.etsy.com/shop/grul666 for all your needs.

Keep an eye here this week for a bonus collaboration t’ween robbers and diggers and always, come back in a week for another edition of Tuesday uEtsy.

 

A Handful of Dirt

A Handful of Dirt asks a person five questions they wouldn’t normally expect or receive in any other credible interview.

In consulting the Serendipiter Bag o’InquiryTM, we pose a series of questions to come up with a bit of knowledge unknown before – a handful of dirt.

 

 

 

Author/Graphic Designer/Actor John Dimes is happily affiliated with the television show Spooky Movie Television as the character Dr. Sarcofiguy. He has authored the books Intracations, The White Corpse Hustle: A Guide for the Fledgling Vampire, The Rites of Pretending Tribe, and There Are No Bad Movies (Only Bad Audiences).

His comic book Gurlimann’s Bizaare Bazaar received 3 out 4 Skulls from Fangoria Magazine, and a “Dimes gets props for having a villain based on Charlie Chaplin,” from Ain’t It Cool News.

You can find out more about him on his website at: www.johndimes.weebly.com.

 

 

If you were the host of a late night talk show host, who would you have as your band?

My favorite most obscene/tongue-in-cheek band in the world to have on my show would be THE TIGER LILLIES. They’re from the U.K., and is described by some as Tom Waits on helium. That’s a true thing. I’d have them sing “Push A Baby Down The Stairs,” from their album “Urine Palace.” They’re brilliant, I tell you!

If you could resurrect a film actor, who would it be?

Can I answer with whose career I’d like to see euthanized first? Nicholas Cage. Where’s Dr. Kevorkian, for chrissakes?! Oh, he’s dead, idn’t he?! Heh. I definitely would resurrect Vincent Price, though. That there was an AWESOME actor. An awesome personality. Or Peter Sellers. No more Pink Panther stuff. But I’d definitely like to see him around some more. I loved him in the movie “Being There.”

We’ve woken up and in this universe, you are the driver of a car for NASCAR. Who is the main sponsor of your car?

Underwood Devil’s Spread. SPAM. Mr. Bubble.

A FOX executive (suspected of being under the influence of a serious of highly fashionable illegal substance) gives you carte blanche to design a game show. What do you come up with?

I’ve actually thought about this before, but you’d have the world’s most horrible bosses imaginable on the show, only they don’t know they’re horrible. You have a bunch of them competing against one another. They are asked a series of questions like:

1. How often do you reprimand an employee in front of other employees?
2. When is it all right to hover over your employees as they are typing a memo, or carrying out day to day tasks?
3. How often do you talk about your employees to other employees and staff?
4. When you have a project that has a 6 month deadline, do you start it immediately, or start it a month before the end date because you know you can galvanize the troops into getting the task done effectively?
5. How much confidence do you believe your staff and employees have in your leadership abilities?

Questions like that. Basically you give them a multiple choice list which are of course tied-in with the requisite percentage points. If by the end of the show they have garnered enough percentage points of how outrageously horrible a boss they are, then the person who nominated them for the show wins cash and prizes, while the bosses are exposed for the idiot he is. It would be hosted by Judge Judy! I’d name the show “THE CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES.” after the novel.

What is the number one bit of romantic advice you can divine for those who are unlucky in love (editor’s note: perhaps tying the advice with the upcoming Valentine’s Day Holiday Season?)

Hygiene is so important. If you try to kiss someone, and they can smell you before you reach them, you should think about that. Understand boundary issues and whether you have them. Wait for the “High sigh,” for permission to board a person. And lastly, and most importantly, if you’ve finally found someone who has consented to be seen with you in public, and they ask you the question, “Would you die for me?” Your answer should not be “No!: Instead, answer with the following: “Should the event present itself, I’d try my level best make sure we BOTH survive the experience!” In short: Chivalry is never dead, only slightly wounded. Or at the very least, it should be mildly singed!

 

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